School started again today. All 4 of my sweet kids headed off in their separate ways this morning. We took pictures on the porch then Katie and Madison left for the bus and Jenna, Isaac and I got in the Van. We got 2 pictures of Madison because since she is starting 7th grade she had 2 first days.
Once I got Jenna and Isaac to School I walked them to their classrooms. I was able to get a picture of Isaac and his new teacher Mrs. Wilbur. I tried to get a picture of Jenna with her new teacher Mrs. Jacobson but they had already started class.
While dropping Jenna and Isaac off I ran into my neighbor friend and I must’ve looked like I was about to cry because she stopped me and asked me how I was doing. I’m sure she thought I was sad about my kids getting so big and starting a new year of school. But when I told her I was struggling with not bringing a Kindergartener to school this year we both shed some tears and she gave me a much needed hug. She was so sweet telling me how wonderful Jenna and Isaac are and what good kids they are. I’m glad they are good and well behaved when at the neighbors house. I pulled it together then until I got outside the school and into the van and then I really lost it. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t catch my breath so I called my mom to have someone help calm me down. By the time I drove home I was dizzy from hyperventilating. It took a good 15 minutes to finally catch my breath and calm down. Then in another 30 – 45 minutes I was finally calmed enough to only be shedding a few tears here and there. When I initially called my mom I was crying so hard she couldn’t understand me when I said “I don’t have a Kindergartener”.
I haven’t felt grief and pain hit me like that in such a long time. It totally took me off guard and hurt so much more than I ever would’ve thought it could. I’ve been preparing myself for this all Summer but apparently I had no idea what was coming. The Grief, the Pain the Heartache of not having a little boy to send to Kindergarten this year when I should!! Gabriel would be 5 years old and I’m sure super excited to attend school with is sibling and his neighborhood friends. I know he’d be hoping to be in Lincoln, Mason or James class and be sad it he wasn’t with any of them because I’m sure they would’ve been inseparable all Summer long. It makes me so sad to not have the excited little boy here to take to his First day of school. I’ve been upset about it all day and I’m still working through the pain of it.
I know he is OK, safe, busy and watching over us all. I know he goes to school with my kids and watches over them when they need his assistance. I know he is where he is supposed to be. I know he loves us and wants us to be happy. But sometimes I just can’t let go of the ache in my arms to hold my baby boy. I miss him so much and as much as I always hated the constant driving back and forth to drop off and pick up my Kindergarteners I’d be happy to have that burden if he could be here. No more whining now I need to get through the rest of this day have a good nights sleep and remember how lucky I am to be Gabriel’s mother and how joyful the day will be when we are able to be together again.