This is my emotional rant post concerning this week from hell. Last year I don’t remember this week being so hard but this year it’s tearing my heart apart. I’ve been reliving the traumatic events of July 10th 2010 over and over most of the week. I remember them all to well. Every time I picture him face down on my bed and then realize he’s turning blue I’m scared all over again and then remembering giving him the “breathe of life” that didn’t bring him back is another thing I could used wiped from my memory. The although short but very frantic ride in the Ambulance and watching them rush my lifeless baby into the ER brings me to my knees gasping for air like I didn’t that whole 45 minutes they worked on getting his heart beating. I honestly don’t remember last year being so close to the front of my mind. Then on the 12th when all the family came and gave Gabriel their last loves and goodbyes and everyone cried with us and the spirit was beyond strong we were probably all very close to the veil that day. That day is so hard to remember. But I keep trying to feel him in my arms to feel his feet that I kissed hundreds of times to feel his soft combed hair under my fingers. The more I remember the more I hurt.
People around me want me to take time to work through my grief to slow down and not worry about everyday things but I feel like I can’t quit on the things I’ve committed to. I put on a brave semi-happy face that I’m sure most can see through and go to work and my callings. Then I come home in my own space and fall apart. Last night I knew I needed to fall apart so I got out the baby blanket I made for Gabriel and the baby blanket that he slept with in his crib the last night he slept at home. I slept with is tight in my arms all night long. When I relaxed enough to loosen my grip I woke myself up cried some more and held on even tighter.
My amazing husband is in pain also but he’s such a great support. He holds me when I cry and doesn’t let go until I can calm myself down and breathe again. I Love him so much but no one can take our pain away and no one can stop the 5 steps of grief from resurfacing when I thought I was beyond that point in my grief.
3 years ago today was the last time we got to hold and play with our Gabie. I'm sure he knew that he would be leaving us soon but we had no clue. When his heart stopped beating this evening 3 years ago our life was turned upside down. At the time we prayed for miracle to bring him back to us but that was not our Heavenly Fathers Plan. My Heavenly Father gave me assurances that "all would be well" and although I hang on to that everyday my heart and my arms still ache to hold my baby boy and to see him grow, learn and progress through this life with his siblings. We Love and Miss him so much! Thank you to all who have us in their thoughts and prayers it is always appreciated.
July 12th 2013 will mark Gabriel Grant Saville’s 3rd Angelversary and that day will be hard too but on a happy note July 14th 2013 will mark Jack Tanner’s rebirth with a new healthy beating heart. Although I talk so much about my heart ache I also am a very proud mom. My Gabie saved a life in his leaving this earth and that makes him a hero to me and I adore the sweet family we’ve gotten to know through Facebook that is now Gabriel’s heart Family. Jack Tanner is the cutest little guy ever and I’m so thankful for the opportunity to be a part of his life.
Gabriel Grant Born 1/26/09 – Left us for now 7/12/10
Jack Tanner Born 1/31/10 – New Heart 7/14/10 - 3 years old and doing FABULOUS!