Idaho House and My Emotions

This may be a wordy post but I’m feeling like it’s time to do a little Blog/Journal venting. I’m hoping it’ll get some feelings of stress off my mind and on to paper (so to speak).

We learned a couple weeks back that our amazing renters in the Idaho house were ready to start looking for a home to buy. We were excited for them and we weren’t too surprised. So I got a realtor called and started the process to get the house listed. I really felt like I still probably had a few months before the renters would be gone. Then a week later we found out an offer they put on a home had been accepted. This was a surprise to them as well as to us. Then I started stressing out.

The realtor went through the house with Gary and Colleen and then worked up the numbers and the numbers are not good. We found out the we owe 124,500 but we can only list it for 124,000 in the current market and it probably would still go for less. Then on top of that we’d have to come up with close to 10k for closing costs. Seriously when I heard this I felt like a breakdown was coming on. We had talked about Short Selling it but there are a lot of unforeseen variables in a short sale and we’re not 100% sure we’d be approved which could lead to a foreclosure which we really don’t want to happen. Our best option is to continue renting it, which is NOT what we wanted to do. One of the realtor’s assistance asked me what my motivation to selling it is instead of renting it. I told her that I just don’t want to worry about someone trashing it and having to put money we don’t have into a house we don’t live in. I’m also nervous about keeping renters in it. I know our circumstance with our last renters was a huge blessing and not all renters are so good so that scares me.

What I didn’t tell the Realtor’s assistant is that I don’t want to go back to the house at all I don’t want to have to work on it, I don’t want to have to walk into that front room and my old bedroom at all. I have a lot of wonderful memories tied to that house, but every time I think of going back to that house the only memory I can think of is not a good one. I’ve had a hard time sleeping lately because I try to sleep and then I start stressing over the house and then the flashbacks hit. All I can see if finding Gabriel with blue eyelids and lips and not breathing on my bed. I feel him in my shaking arms as I take him to the front room and start CPR. I watch the EMT  put him in the ambulance and then I hear sirens all the way to the hospital while I remember the phone call I made to my parents and how terrified I was. And once I start in on all of it it doesn’t seem to stop until the day we left him at the hospital to go and plan his funeral. So obviously I didn’t want to go into all of that with the realtor’s assistant and I don’t expect anyone to understand my anxiety attached to that house but I can’t change that it’s there.

It’s taken me a while but I feel at home here in Utah now in this house. I’ve made new memories that include Gabriel and our family and I’ve tried to leave a lot of those horrible memories behind at the house in Idaho. I know they’ll never be truly gone and I know I’ll probably struggle with them for years to come but going to the house just seems to be like rubbing salt in an open wound that will never heal.

But then lately I’m missing Gabe in everything. He’s been on my mind a lot and not like he’s here with me and I’m feeling him near. More like I’m angry again because he’s not here and I’m sad because of the things I’ll miss with him. In my last post I talked about Isaac’s 7th Birthday and I did great on his birthday and it was solely his day but later that weekend it hit like it does every time. We just through our last 7 year old Birthday Party with friends. There is really no significance to the age of 7 expect that’s when we did Katie’s first big party so we’ve stuck to that age with all the kids. But Isaac’s will be the last one and I hate it when that reality hits me and there should be one more. I know that I’ll always feel that way about things we get to do with Isaac as our youngest living child. I pray that I never lose the excitement I have to celebrate with Isaac and always remember how thankful I am to have him here to do those things with. But I know there will always be a bit of a sting when we’re all done celebrating with Isaac.

The last thing that hit me recently about Gabe is that since we’re so far away from where he is buried I’m not going to be able to take care of his resting place like I had once planed on doing. This has been hard for me. I feel like I need to make sure his resting spot is always decorated and well kept since that’s all I have left on this earth to take care of for him. When I realized I’d forgotten to take the Christmas Tree down because we haven’t been to Idaho for quite some time I called my mom in frantic tears begging her to go take care of it for me. And now as Easter quickly approaches and I have nothing decorating his grave for the spring I’m sad again. I’m going to have to learn to live with this and figure it out but right now I wish he was closer to me.

So now that I’ve cried and vented and wrote all my raw feelings down I hope I’ll be able to sleep better tonight. I know this doesn’t fix anything or take the feelings away but sometimes it’s just nice to get them written and off my chest. And for any of you who make it to the end of this long post and if you’re willing we’d love a few prayers sent our way to get our house rented quickly and by great renters.