I haven’t actually written a venting post full of emotion for a long time but I’m feeling like it I don’t write some of it down I’ll never be able to let it go.
This week I’ve been having a hard time sleeping and worrying about friends and their families. I won’t talk about their specific stories but I have a good friend here in Saratoga Springs who very unexpectedly lost her mom last week. Her mom was still very young and because of a blood clot after knee surgery she is no longer with her family here on earth. I know their grief is very great, she was still raising her 3 youngest sons and had only been a Grandma for 7 years with many more Grandchildren to come in the future. Her sweet daughter was in my first ward here in Saratoga Springs and she is someone I look up to. She is so kind, loving and generous. Although I never met her mom when I received a text telling me she had passed away I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. My friend is the oldest in her family and I know she had a wonderful relationship with her mom. I couldn’t help but to put myself in her shoes and it made me so heartbroken for her, knowing how sad I’d be losing my mom at such a young age. My prayers have been with this wonderful family all week.
Then just when I started getting a handle on my emotions I heard that a family in Idaho who I didn’t know extremely well but our older girls were always playmates, rushed their new baby to PCMC on Monday because when him mom went to check on him during his nap he wasn’t breathing. I’ve had that family in my thoughts and prayers all week as well and last night I learned that he didn’t make it. It breaks my heart to see yet another family have to go through the loss of a child. His circumstances were similar enough to Gabriel’s I couldn’t stop myself from having some flashbacks and remember those very scary moments. Those very painful memories have all been brought to the surface and my heart aches for my Gabriel and for this wonderful family who is now living a trial like ours. This trial isn’t one you can get over or make it through and then life is all better. This trial stays with you forever and even when those around you think it’s been long enough and you seem to be doing so great, things must be ok now. Even then you still have day’s where you want nothing more then to cuddle up in the few things you have left that were your child's and cry the day away. I fight those urges so much, I push myself to move to a project or to do something productive to draw my thoughts elsewhere. This week has been specifically tough, I keep walking into my closet looking up at the clear tote containing many of Gabriel’s things and wanting to pull it down and fall apart into it. Then I remember that I need to be strong and to do that I have to walk away and do something else.
Yesterday I realized I wasn’t alone in my grief for Gabriel when Isaac and Jenna both came into the room crying. They both missed their brother, Isaac wanted a brother to play with and share a room with and Jenna just missed him. I hate watching my children have to deal with such grief. It’s just not fair! And when I think of this great family in Idaho who is now grieving for the same reason’s and 5 children will now grieve for their baby brother and miss him I remember that question “Why?” the one that I try never to ask because I want to be and stay strong. I get angry at how unfair it is that this family had to loose their son, and then I remember all my teachings of the gospel and I’m thankful that I know families can be together forever and that maybe since I’m ahead in the grief I can offer some support to this family. I hope I know when the time is right to send them a message and let them know how my heart breaks for them and how I understand many of the emotions that come with losing a child and if they need anyone to talk to I’m always available.
Today I think the sadness is getting the better of me and I’m feeling more and more like I might loose it. Although I do also feel like my women’s cycle is coming any day and I know that heightens all my emotions and usually drags me down. I feel sad, angry and want nothing more than to be left alone. I’m not always the easiest person to deal with this time of month. With all the sadness surrounding my friends I think it’s just hit harder. I will continue to pray for them and I’m sure I won’t get them off my mind anytime soon. I pray they will have comfort and an outpouring of love for a long while since I know the road ahead is not easy. I pray that I’ll be in tuned to the spirit enough to know what I can do for them and when they need it most. Most of all I pray that when they feel like their heart is physically broken and they have cried for so long that their body hurts, I pray that they will have a loved one wrap them up in loving arms and let them know that they are never alone. Those are the loved ones that pull you through the toughest days.
To end my post on a good note, yesterday my boss Kim gave birth to a 7lb 1oz baby boy that they named Titan and he and his momma are healthy and doing well. I can’t wait to meet him and see something so precious and so new to this Earth. I’m also very excited for my brother Ben & his wife Sam who will be bringing a baby boy into the Egley family this month and Matt & Alice who are expecting a baby in July. Those new babies bring so much joy & hope from the other side.