Dreams & Memories Bittersweet

Today as David and I were leaving to go and pick up the rest of the things we need for the book drive before this weekend. David told me he had a dream about Gabe last night. Usually when he tells me he had a dream he doesn't say anything further because they are always bad dreams that leave his whole day feeling sad and upset. This dream was different, he said he dreamed that he walked out of our bedroom (in our current home) and down the hall and Gabriel was standing in the dining room. He remembered in the dream running to him and picking him up and hugging him and just holding him. He said it was very real so when he woke up and then the memory that Gabe is gone set in, then the dream became bittersweet.

I told David that I too had a similar experience last night when I was trying to fall asleep. Sometimes I can't control my thoughts and as badly as I don't want to remember that day when I found Gabie not breathing that was the memory that came to me as soon as I laid down to go to sleep. I tried to fight it off for a minute until the memory became so clear that my muscles could feel the weight of him in my arms again. I could feel his hair under my lips when I kissed him begging him to come back to us. Once I realized I could remember what he felt like in my arms I held onto the memory, no matter how hard it was to remember losing him, it was great to remember how his little sweet body felt in my arms & how kissing his head felt to my lips.

After David and I shared these two experiences I had a distinct feeling that Gabie has been here with us this past week. I've missed him a lot this week and feel like this upcoming Birthday will be harder without him than the last 2 were. I believe Gabriel is here trying to help maybe just me, but to help me know he's here he's watching over us and he's proud of our effort in Books from Gabriel.

I've been a bit discouraged because our number of donated books is less than last year but really the number doesn't matter. It's the effort we're putting into it and it's the children and parents that will benefit from our book drive, no matter how many there are. Maybe only a few will really find these books comforting but no matter what, we have the chance to comfort so many with all the donations. There is no need to compare one year to the next. I'm so extremely grateful to all who have supported us in Books from Gabriel. If you only knew how many children we've all brought smiles to you'd know how great of a service you've done even by donating 1 book.