Monday, November 14, 2011

Ranting's of an Irrational, Emotional, Heartbroken, and Homesick Lady

This weekend has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I can’t coherently explain what my problem is because every second it seems to change. So I just need to write it out in ugly words and cry all my tears. No one take these ranting's as directed towards any specific person, please!

For one I’m feeling very left out from family events. No matter how I try to tell myself that it’s just irrational to feel that way I can’t push it aside. For so long I’ve been in a place and position where I can always be of help. I always know what’s going on and I always play the big sister role. I’m the news spreader, advice giver when needed (sometimes it’s not asked for, but I try hard to wait until it is), and the one to help with odds and ends.There are some very important events coming about in my family and I can’t really be part of them. Because I live too far away. I can play a small role but really anything else is just to inconvenient for me and those making the plans. So you see my fretting over this is irrational and even more so when I remember how happy I am here in Utah with my sweet husband and kids. It’s just so different! Basically I’m HOMESICK!

Then on Saturday it struck me! That Gabie was with us on earth for 17 months and 16 days and on December 28, 2011 it’ll be 17 months and 16 days since he left and went back to Heaven.  The 12th was the day that really struck me because it hit me that it’d been 16 months since he died and only one more month would be 17 months. Then we will be really close to being without him longer that we had him here. I know this is a realization every parent who loses a child comes to but I never realized how it’d break my heart all over again. Once again it’s irrational and shouldn't change anything because he’s still not here but for some reason I’m really having a hard time with it. So of course I am emotional about it. I had to figure out the exact date which still changes nothing but it’s part of my OCD to know exactly when and how things are going to happen. I know it’s completely irrational. Now I’ve given myself a planned date to loose it all over again..GREAT! (insert sarcasm)

I’ve been ok for so long I forgot how much it hurts to remember that he’s really gone and to really have my heart feel broken again. I’m sure the stress of feeling homesick adds some to my emotional state. Also Christmas shopping seems to be hard when I see the things I would be buying my sweet almost 3 year old. When I see moms toting around their toddlers and think I should be doing that, it starts all over again. When I hear that it snowed in Idaho and I’m too far away to go wipe the snow from my boys headstone it hurts more. When I know that friends and family have the opportunity to move on and let this be in the past and for David and I it is just a constant reoccurring pain I’m angry and jealous.

I know I have so much to be thankful for, and this is the time of year to be telling others about it. I am thankful for so many things, more than I can list. But this year I decided to not do the 30 day’s of thanks on my blog because it took so much space in the blog book. So I plan on writing one post when we get closer to Thanksgiving with a lot of the things I’m thankful for. I need to remember all those things on day’s like this so I can feel less picked on.

Today I’m especially thankful for my sweet Isaac who while sitting here in the kitchen with his sobbing mommy says “Mom do you want me to give you a hug” I of course say “yes I’d love a hug.” I’d be crazy to not want one of his hugs. So he jumps down from his stool and climbs in my lap and gives me a great big bear hug and two kisses. Then he climbs down and so simply says “why are you crying?” I tell him “I’m just sad”, and then he says “oh I know it’s Gabie”. What would I do without my sweet children all 5 of them to teach me things everyday and to understand and love me when I’m sad.

Today I’m thankful for my 5 best blessings!

Saville Kids Photos (73) (Medium)


  1. Amy, I will pray for you. May you feel the warmth of the Lord's love and peace distill upon your heart. This is what I will pray for. :) You are much missed.

  2. Moving is hard, mix in all the big events you can't have a hand in like you did before, holidays, and grieving milestones and you have a perfect storm. I will be praying for you. I think Dec 28 is a big day for you, and as much as you tell yourself to not think about it, it is impossible not to. I think about you and Gabie often, I am so grateful for you and the support you have given me, even from a distance. I'm sure your family will still feel your big sister support even though you aren't there. I hope your homesick-ness eases for you.

  3. You've heard the addage, "time heals all wounds"--that's what we've got, TIME. And we should be grateful that we have it to spend with those who love us.
    Bloom where you are planted and make utah your home and open up to your new ward and things will fall into place. It will not happen overnight-but one day you'll wake up and realize that you did it!
    Thinking of you!

  4. I've had so many of those thoughts and feelings... Sometimes I wish there could be a break when of these things hits. Hang in there. And I LOVE that picture of the 5 of them. I hope it's framed :) So neat you have pictures with all of your kids.

  5. I thought your words were beautiful. You express yourself so well. I live far away from almost my whole family and am still the news spreader, advice giver, and the one to help with odds and ends. (I am even going to JC Penny to help someone today! lol) I make LOTS of phone calls and type emails. You are still vitally important in those roles. The rest Is normal especially with all of the changes and stressors of this time of year, not to mention that one of my favorite Twightlight friends will miss the tradition because neither of us can make it. You are important and loved. I know you know that and will have more normalcy soon. Love you!

  6. Isaac's hugs are awesome!,

  7. Amy, I'm so sorry. It's not just OCD. I had the exact day, time, and everything figured out for my son as well. I think it's just a part of this whole experience. Like you said, it doesn't change anything, but somehow it just hurts extra knowing you are already on the "they've been gone longer than they were here" side of things. It is hard to not be near family, and I'm sorry you are homesick, even when you know there are good reasons for it too! For me, holidays are always more emotional, and you've had a big change this year, so be patient and kind to yourself! Thinking and praying for you!

  8. I love you Amy. It's ok to be sad. Sometimes the sadness is what makes us see that happiness for what it really is. Let your heart be comforted, neither let it be afraid. .