This weekend has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I can’t coherently explain what my problem is because every second it seems to change. So I just need to write it out in ugly words and cry all my tears. No one take these ranting's as directed towards any specific person, please!
For one I’m feeling very left out from family events. No matter how I try to tell myself that it’s just irrational to feel that way I can’t push it aside. For so long I’ve been in a place and position where I can always be of help. I always know what’s going on and I always play the big sister role. I’m the news spreader, advice giver when needed (sometimes it’s not asked for, but I try hard to wait until it is), and the one to help with odds and ends.There are some very important events coming about in my family and I can’t really be part of them. Because I live too far away. I can play a small role but really anything else is just to inconvenient for me and those making the plans. So you see my fretting over this is irrational and even more so when I remember how happy I am here in Utah with my sweet husband and kids. It’s just so different! Basically I’m HOMESICK!
Then on Saturday it struck me! That Gabie was with us on earth for 17 months and 16 days and on December 28, 2011 it’ll be 17 months and 16 days since he left and went back to Heaven. The 12th was the day that really struck me because it hit me that it’d been 16 months since he died and only one more month would be 17 months. Then we will be really close to being without him longer that we had him here. I know this is a realization every parent who loses a child comes to but I never realized how it’d break my heart all over again. Once again it’s irrational and shouldn't change anything because he’s still not here but for some reason I’m really having a hard time with it. So of course I am emotional about it. I had to figure out the exact date which still changes nothing but it’s part of my OCD to know exactly when and how things are going to happen. I know it’s completely irrational. Now I’ve given myself a planned date to loose it all over again..GREAT! (insert sarcasm)
I’ve been ok for so long I forgot how much it hurts to remember that he’s really gone and to really have my heart feel broken again. I’m sure the stress of feeling homesick adds some to my emotional state. Also Christmas shopping seems to be hard when I see the things I would be buying my sweet almost 3 year old. When I see moms toting around their toddlers and think I should be doing that, it starts all over again. When I hear that it snowed in Idaho and I’m too far away to go wipe the snow from my boys headstone it hurts more. When I know that friends and family have the opportunity to move on and let this be in the past and for David and I it is just a constant reoccurring pain I’m angry and jealous.
I know I have so much to be thankful for, and this is the time of year to be telling others about it. I am thankful for so many things, more than I can list. But this year I decided to not do the 30 day’s of thanks on my blog because it took so much space in the blog book. So I plan on writing one post when we get closer to Thanksgiving with a lot of the things I’m thankful for. I need to remember all those things on day’s like this so I can feel less picked on.
Today I’m especially thankful for my sweet Isaac who while sitting here in the kitchen with his sobbing mommy says “Mom do you want me to give you a hug” I of course say “yes I’d love a hug.” I’d be crazy to not want one of his hugs. So he jumps down from his stool and climbs in my lap and gives me a great big bear hug and two kisses. Then he climbs down and so simply says “why are you crying?” I tell him “I’m just sad”, and then he says “oh I know it’s Gabie”. What would I do without my sweet children all 5 of them to teach me things everyday and to understand and love me when I’m sad.
Today I’m thankful for my 5 best blessings!