Sadness

Since this is my Journal for most purposes especially pertaining to Gabriel I wanted to just add a small post expressing my feelings today.

We went to Church for the 3rd time today. Church was good, but they read us in as new members today. I’m glad that we are now members of the Jacob’s Ranch 2nd ward. When they read us all in, in order of our ages and then they finished with Isaac there was a sting in my heart. So really that set my mood for the rest of the meeting. I struggled to listen to the message’s given and not breakdown in tears for the loss I was feeling. I watch so many mothers with 21/2 year olds and I miss that, I do not have that, I want it more than anyone could know. Apparently I covered my emotions pretty well because David was unaware that I was struggling until we got home and I told him I was sad and I told him why. Then he told me that this morning when he read on the LDS Tools app that our records were moved and he looked down our list of names he felt that same sting of sadness when he saw Gabriel’s name missing. I really feel like if the Church left his name there under our names as our child and just simply wrote a birth and death date there I would feel better. It’s so hard to not see him there, like he never existed.

Today I miss my boy so much! I wish our new ward could see the handsome happy little 2 1/2 year old son we have.

On another note totally, I’m also sad for my little brother and sister in law who found out this week that their precious 5 month old baby girl is probably blind. If she isn’t blind then she will have very very poor eyesight. My heartaches for the trials they have ahead of them. Their road looks like it may not be too easy and I know they will make it, but I also know that many of our trials are not without tears and heartache. I Love you Jared, Sativa, Audriana & baby Paytin.