My Sweet Gabie Baby,
I hate to admit it but I’ve been putting off writing to you, it is just so difficult to express all my feelings in words. Since we’ve moved in with Grandma and Grandpa Saville I’ve felt like your siblings are louder than normal and that I haven’t had a time when I could really sit and think about what I’d like to say to you. But this morning I had Daddy get me up early so I could get some things done before we come to visit you, and while Isaac and the girls sleep the house is peaceful and a perfect time for me to try to find the words to pour my heart out to you.
A year ago today we knew you had left us and we all gathered around your perfect little body to say goodbye. As I know now I also knew then that you really weren’t in that little body anymore I struggled as a mother to let go of the thing I was meant to protect and keep safe. I knew you were safe and sound in the arms of family and a Heavenly Father who adores you but I still felt like I didn’t want to let go of your body, because that was now all I had left to care for. It was hard for me to let go of that and to put all of you physically and spiritually in my Heavenly Fathers care. I am your mother and it is my job to take care of you forever and always. I still miss taking care of you more than most will ever know. I miss your fingers and toes and thick chubby feet. I miss watching you toddle around and run from your siblings. I miss watching you dance to all the rock band songs. I miss the weight of you sleeping in my arms and the feel of running my fingers through your messy hair. I miss watching your sisters baby you all the time even when you were getting to big for the cradle they put you in. I miss so much I could go on all day long.
I’d like to tell you what I’ve learned and what I’m thankful for today. I’ve learned that my Heavenly Father loves me so much. He watches me daily and cries with me and his heart aches for mine. He knows about all the things I miss and he understands. He’s given me the option to see you again and to have all those things again through a Temple marriage to your wonderful daddy. I’ve learned that you can feel prayer working in your behalf and that is how I’ve made it a year without you, and I’ve been able to cope and still be a good mommy to your siblings. I’ve gained Faith in knowing that things do happen for a reason at a specific times for a specific purpose’s. The purpose may be unknown to me but I trust in my Heavenly Father to guide me to that purpose. I know you were meant to leave us when you did, I know that, that was the plan from the very beginning. I know I agreed to it and was honored to be your mother and I knew you’d help me through this difficult time. I feel you close when I’m am down and struggling and I have had moments when I knew you were standing by my side holding me up. I’ve felt you push me to the pulpit to bear my testimony when I really didn’t want to and I felt you in the Celestial room in the Idaho Falls and Las Vegas Temples. In the Celestial rooms your spirit was so strong it took my breathe away and I looked for you. I knew you were there and I looked to see your shining face smiling at me. I love those moments they usually make me cry pretty hard but it’s never a cry that hurts like so much of my crying.
I know I’m rambling I just have so much I want to tell you. I’m so thankful for all you have taught your family. I worried about you siblings, specifically Isaac dealing with your death but I know you’ve been there for them. They are so strong and have remarkable Faith. They help me daily and are so loving when I’m hurting. I couldn’t do this without them. Your daddy is my rock too he always holds me until the shaking and sobbing stops and he puts up with my random emotions. Today will be hard we’re going to visit you in Lava at the Cemetery. The Cemetery doesn’t usually bother me until I have to leave you there again. Today we’re going to clean your headstone, have a picnic with you and send you some messages on Balloons so be sure to watch for them from all over. They’ll be coming from Lava, Boise, California, Texas, Hawaii & Pocatello. I’m also going to attach the names of some of your angel friends that I’ve gotten to know and have learned from their parents, who are great examples to me.
Preslee’s mom said that she’s looking at this as not a year since she saw her baby girl but a year closer to seeing her again. I keep telling myself to look at it that way. I know it is true but it so hard to not think about holding you one last time, kissing your cheeks and all those things I miss. I can’t wait until the necessary years go by for me to see you again. Please don’t forget to come and see us as often as you can. I know you must be busy, but please find time to stop in when you can. Also a note from your big sister Katie. The other day we were talking about today and she said, “Mom, are you sure Gabie will come see us on the 12th for our picnic with him?” Me “I’m sure he will” Katie “I’ll be mad if he doesn’t come” Me “How could you be mad if he didn’t come, how would you really know” Katie “Oh I’ll know if he’s there I can always feel him” I’m so grateful that she has such faith and is so strong. Thank you for letting her know when your around.
Well it’s time for me to go but I’ll talk to you later for sure. I Love you and I miss you as always. I’m proud of you and I’m proud to be your mommy.
Goodbye for now my sweet boy….