Monday, May 30, 2011

To Post or not To Post?

So I’m sitting here in my freezing house hating that I just turned on the heater on May 30th and not sure if I want to write or not. I’m feeling kind of gloomy today, like the weather it outside. I’m worried if I write it’ll bring on the tears that I’m feeling right behind my eyes and then the flood gates will be open.  Oh well I guess I’ll write and if the inevitable happens then I’ll have a good cry and feel better.

Yesterday was quite a busy day for us. We got up went to church as we usually do on Sunday. We had great lessons and came home feeling like we were ready for the rest of our day. We got in the car and headed to the farm in Lava. When we got there we were greeted with loving smiles and lots of hugs. We had family visiting from Utah and back East. To be specific my Uncle Gary, cousin Shane and cousin Melissa and her beautiful family. We ate mom’s homemade rolls and lots of other yummy food. Aunt Kathy and Aunt Marilyenn also joined us, and all my family minus the bear hunter, Chet. It was so nice to sit and visit with family we rarely get to see. My Uncle Gary is pretty sick with Cancer and we’re not sure how much longer we’ll get to have him with us here on the earth. I adore all my uncles and have always felt close to them. It’s heartbreaking to see what a ruthless disease can do to such great men. I’m so glad we have the family ties that we do. I’m grateful for the love that we all share and the strength that we have in being a family. Shane was able to fly in for the weekend and I’m so glad that he and Melissa came with Uncle Gary and Melissa’s family to visit. These two cousins and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time together while we were young and I’m so glad that we are able to get together and have great relationships and visit and lean on one another when needed. I truly have a wonderful family, extended and immediate. I couldn’t be more thankful.

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Above: The last living Easter Siblings.. Mom, Aunt Marilyenn, Aunt Kathy, Uncle Gary & Uncle Alan

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Melissa, Kenny, Shane, Uncle Gary, Ian & Ivy

After our dinner we left and headed up to the Lava Cemetery to visit Gabriel. I never have too hard of a time going there but leaving is always a struggle for me. Gabriel’s resting place was covered with flowers, some from us and some from unknown people. I know he is so loved but I’m so thankful that he has not been forgotten. David dreads going there and struggles with it every time. It’s really the only time that he allows me to comfort him instead of the other way around. When I get there I focus on making sure everything is in tip top shape. I clean and straighten and things, then as soon as I get in the car to leave I fall apart. I hate leaving him there! I believe that his spirit is really only there when we are there but I still feel this motherly pull to take care of his little body. I know he’s protected there and logically I know that’s where he needs to be and he’s ok. But in my heart I can’t help but want to hold, cuddle and take care of his little body. I hate that I feel this has been taken away from me for for such a very long long time. I know one day I’ll have that role given back to me but when my day’s feel so long sometimes it’s hard to see that ever coming to pass. Our one year mark is coming up in just over a month and it seems that it’s flown by some day's and yet other days it seems like it’s been an eternity since I was able to hold him and play with him and kiss his little feet and cheeks.  I’m struggling with the idea of  leaving our house because I still feel him here and I can still picture him here and I’m scared to leave that behind. I know that our family needs to be together but it’s still difficult to think of  leaving this physical place where the memories are tied.

On another note, recently David and I heard that 80% of marriages that the couple looses a child end in divorce and then several people have told us that being separated for almost 2 years now can’t be good for our marriage. But so you all feel relieved about us, David and I feel like we are defying all the odds when considering those statistics. We’re very grateful that although we’ve been through a lot we are just as strong now as we have ever been and maybe even stronger. We’ve grown so close and pulled each other through our trials. We’re still in love and can’t wait to spend our weekends together and soak up any extra time we get.

Well I think I’ve sufficiently expressed what I was feeling and even without a lot of waterworks. It’s always so nice to be able to write my feelings and the whole time be able to still see what I’m typing. It’s hard when the tears are coming so quickly that I can’t see what I’ve typed. I hope you all have had a great Memorial Weekend and have remembered all those amazing men and women who have died to make sure we have the freedoms we enjoy on a daily basis.

1 comment:

  1. Amy I thought about you all weekend. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Love ya!