Ugliness…

I know after reading this some of my most avid readers may think I’ve lost it and gone off the deep end. I want to comfort you in the fact that I just needed to write so I could release some things and get some much needed sleep.

I’m really having an emotional week and until just now I couldn’t pin it on anything particular. Even still it isn’t one thing or another but a whole lot of things that have been bothering me. So here it all comes in one big storm of ugliness.

My Baby DIED!!!! I miss him so  much that I can’t breathe, my chest aches and the tears never stop…..

My husband can’t be with us during the week and I miss him so much too. I NEED this house to sell…

I have two showings tomorrow but all I can think it that they’ll hate this home that I love and we’ll never find someone who wants what we love, so we can all live together. I stress about showing it so much and I HATE IT! But no I don’t wan to pay a realtor because we can’t sell it for enough in this market to even break even if we pay a realtor.

I’m unhappy with shape and mainly because someone who I love dearly had to point out my weight to me in a manner I don’t recommend. While someone is grieving over the loss of any loved one I don’t advise calling them for the first time, 8 months after their loved ones passing and having a little bit of small talk just to pounce on them with the fact that maybe it’d help their grief if they submitted to be on the National Reality TV Show The Biggest Loser. I know that this person meant well but I have to admit it truly hurt me for her to only really call to tell me I’m FAT!!  Just to think that she’d even say anything like this to me is beyond me, because she knows my situation. How am I supposed to leave my children (who help me make it through each day) for months at a time to lose weight on TV. My husband works in another state for heavens sake. My family was so angry when they heard this, they had thoughts of making some rude comments at this persons expense and I told them not to, it wasn’t their place . I’m not angry at her I understand that she didn’t mean to be rude but, I am hurt and maybe admitting it publicly will help me get past it, and be able to be happy with my image again until I am ready to handle it. My doctor even told me that in this great time of grief he knew when I was ready and my stress levels dropped I’d handle this issue which I assure you I’m aware of.

Then as of late I’ve felt like a cowardly mother who didn’t follow her baby son into surgery that last night he was here. I knew his spirit had left his body and at the time it seemed strange to just sit there with his body. But know I feel like maybe I was just being a coward to not stay until the very end and walk him to the line where they make parents stop on the was to the OR.  I have an angel nurse who did this on my behalf and she’ll never know the gratitude I have for her. But really what was I thinking!!!!! Tonight I’d do anything for just 5 more minutes of holding his hand, kissing his feet, smoothing out his hair, having every nurse tell me how beautiful he was.

Tonight this is where my stress is coming from and I’m hoping now I can fall asleep and sleep soundly and wake refreshed and ready for a new less stressful day.

I know some of you will feel the need to comment and that’s fine I always love comments. But know this, I’m fine and I’m working through these things that are difficult.

Because as my friend Ashley Sullenger says '”I CAN DO HARD THINGS”!