Happy Birthday My Dear Sweet Gabie..

(Disclaimer to my blog readers, this is a letter to Gabe for his 2nd Birthday. It is long and full of my deepest emotions. It is totally open to read but I’m warning you it was written for Gabriel.)

Dear Son,

It’s Sunday night and I can’t get you off my mind. Your birthday will be this week and I’m struggling.  We’ve accomplished an amazing project in your name. I’m sure you’ve helped us along the was to make sure it was a big success. I’m sorry I didn’t read any books to you while you were waiting to return to Heavenly Father. I hope this project makes sure that no other mother has such a simple regret. I also hope our book drive will bring joy to children so that they can heal and return home to their families.

Tonight I was thinking of the things I feel like I should be doing to prepare for your 2nd birthday. I should have a closet somewhere with toys, clothes, books and fun things to wrap for you. I should be talking to dad everyday about what amazing cake he’s going to make for you. Daddy loves to create masterpiece cakes for his boys. I should be planning a family birthday day party and making sure all the Grandparents can come and be here. I should be listening to you say your first few words and watching you toddle around the house getting into everything like a 2 year old does. I should be able to go into you and Isaac’s room and watch you sleep soundly and cuddle your teddy bear “scout”.

Instead I’m sitting here at the computer pouring my heart out through the millions of tears streaming down my cheeks. I’m thinking about getting the books sorted so we can take them to separate hospitals this week. I’m nervous to go to the hospital where I said good bye to you and try to keep it together and deliver books to the children there. I’m wondering if we should have a cake or not on your birthday. Dad’s not sure he can go to the effort to build you a beautiful cake when you’re not here to blow out the candles and make a mess of it. I understand how he feels. We’re not big cake eaters anyway and & if you’re not here to watch enjoy it, where is the fun in making it. I’m thinking about my dirty house and how I need to clean it but how I wonder if I’ll be able to accomplish anything this week besides the book drive. I’m thinking about the things I miss about you and the things that I know you’d be doing and I don’t’ get to see those milestones. I’m thinking about that little boy in California who will be turning 1 this week too and only because you shared your heart with him.  I’m thinking about how proud I am of you for being such a perfect son of God that your were able to have such an important mission here on earth. And a selfish part of me wishes' you hadn’t been so perfect.

I want to tell you some things going on with your Sisters and brother. Katie misses you a lot, she is my strong helper though. She watches for me to be sad and then make’s it her job to hug me and love me until I’m ok. She wants to tell her friends about you but they being young and not knowing what to say to her change the subject and she feels like she can’t talk about you. It breaks her heart to not share you with her friends.
Madison misses you so much too. She misses being your second mother. Madison mothers everyone and I know she misses getting you out of bed in the morning so you could go wake up Katie by yelling at her. Madison misses dressing you and taking care of you. She breaks down every now and then and just cuddles me and cries with sadness. Madison’s class on the other hand can’t seem to learn enough about you. They are always asking her questions. A little boy in her class asks me questions when I go into help. One day he said, “Mrs. Saville Madison said Gabe is in Heaven, do you really think that there is a Heaven?” I off course told him yes and that we knew that you were there.
Jenna boo misses you too but she doesn’t talk about it to much. She just starts crying out of the blue and says “I really miss Gabe” We spend that time looking through your scrapbooks. I think Jenna is the one who looks through the scrapbooks the very most.
Isaac misses his brother a lot. He spends his week days trying to get me to play action figures with him because his playmate is not longer here. He’s started having a friend play date twice a week that helps but he still misses you. A couple weeks ago one of his friends was admiring your Lightning McQueen car on the cedar chest and Isaac immediately got up and told the friend “That is Gabie’s car and he died, we don’t play with Gabie’s car” He is definitely a big brother still protecting his little brother. Isaac talks about you all the time. I think he’s still unsure how and why you left us. As far as he’s concerned monsters took you away. I know that’s not true but I understand feeling that way.

Now about daddy, he misses you so  much. He doesn’t cry or show his emotions publicly like I do, but I know his heart aches like mine does. He spends so much time away from the rest of us at work and I know he get’s lonely. I really can’t wait until we’re all in one place again. I worry about him being lonely. Daddy is also the very best at holding me when I’m sad. The only problem is I get sad all to much when he’s in Dugway and can’t hold me. He really is the only one who makes me feel better, or who will just hang on to me while I sob. I’m so grateful he’s my eternal companion. Where would we be in this without the gospel. I hate to even think of that.

I have mostly expressed my feelings above but I can’t tell you enough how proud I am to  me your mother. I can’t tell you enough how much I miss you and I can’t explain to anyone how much my heart aches. But I wanted to make sure that I sent you birthday wishes for this week where ever you may be. I know you’re busy with your Heavenly Fathers work but on the day when Dad and I visit the Temple I’d love to feel your presence if even for a second. I know I have a mission to fulfill here still but when I’m done I can’t wait to hold you in my arms and kiss your cheeks.

Please have a Happy Birthday and help your family to make it through this week without you.

I love you so much..

Mommy

When Katie Turned 2

When Madison Turned 2

When Jenna Turned 2

When Isaac Turned 2