Happy Birthday my boy!

Sorry ladies, I know you come here to read Amy's posts, but I had to make a post today. Same disclaimer as Amy's earlier post, I just need to write to Gabe. Sorry if this sounds awkward, but I don't normally post things like...you know...feelings and stuff.

Dear Gabriel,

Mom says to write you from my heart, so that's what I'll try to do. That's hard, though, because it hurts so much. Every day I miss having you around. I miss your squeal of laughter. I miss your smile and running to me when I come home. A hundred different ways I miss you. I miss most of all holding you in my arms and squeezing tight. What I wouldn't give to do that once more.

I'm sitting here looking at your birthday cake and balloons. I had to make my boy his cake after all. This isn't the birthday party we were expecting last year, but we're making it the best we can. Mom's done an amazing thing with the book drive for you. She's fierce about wanting people to know about you, our Gabriel, and she's done a great job and helping people at the same time. And it's keeping us busy today, which is important, because if we're not busy it starts hurting again. I'm sorry if I don't think of you all the time. It's not because I love you any less now. I have to keep myself busy or distracted, or my heart starts hurting, I can feel the hole in my chest again, and I can't stop thinking about my little boy. I can't afford for that to happen very often. I have to support your mom and your brother and sisters. I have to protect them. I can't let myself fall apart when I have work to do. I don't have that luxury or opportunity. Sometimes I wish I did. You know I save it for later when I can talk to you alone. I know your mom worries about me holding it in, but I have to, and sometimes it's unbearable. But I still love you so much. I always will.

I'm so grateful for the time we did have you with us. I'm thankful for the happiness and love you brought to our home. And I'm very grateful and proud of you that even in death, you've touched and helped others and even gave another sweet little boy and his parents hope and life.

So Happy Birthday my son. We wish with all our hearts you were here, but at least I know you are happy and safe. Work hard and learn from the great men you are in the presence of. We will keep the faith here, and hopefully the pain and sadness will diminish, though our love will not. And we will see you again. Wait for us.

My Gabriel

My son

love Dad