Thursday, October 14, 2010

Refreshing Honesty..

So tonight I’ve been reading from the NieNie Dialogues and just thinking about all she has gone through and how refreshing it is to hear her honest to goodness everyday thoughts. The actual feelings she is having and how they effect her life everyday. I want to try it out, I plan on making this blog into a year book and so this is also a personal journal entry that I’ll be sharing so please feel free to skip this post if you want and wait for a new fun post with pictures of my beautiful kids.

I get asked everyday how I’m doing! Really sometime I want to say, How do YOU think I’m doing? But how rude would that be of me. I tend to answer with a “hanging’ in there” Or “ Pretty good today” or more recently “it’s a really good day today”. As I just finished a wonderful book by Fran C. Hafen called Joy Cometh in the Morning A story of Healing from the loss of a Child, I came across a section at the end telling other how to help a friend who is mourning and I’ll just quote that for you. “Make such statements as “It’s good to see you,” or “I’ve been thinking of you,” as opposed to asking, “How are you doing?” – which implies they should give you an answer.” Tonight I plan on answering you to the best of my ability, while trying not to sound ungrateful or self pitying. Yesterday was a difficult day. I live month to month it seems since I can’t get my brain to stop counting the months that have passed since Gabe physically left us. Yesterday was no different, 3 months flew by without a blink. The day started out normal with getting lunches packed and getting girls out the door to school then I decided to work on my Blog Year book for 2009 and in the process came across a picture of Madison 2 years old and it struck me how much she and Gabie looked alike if you took away her curly locks.Spring is coming & misc 009 (Medium)
This immediately started the water works because my mind went straight to where Madison is right now in her life and that I won’t have that with Gabe for a very long time. The second coming seems so far away that it’s hard to imagine ever being able to watch my son grow up. The rest of the day was pretty much a rollercoaster or emotions. Whenever I thought I was ok and the worst had passed then something else came to the surface. At 9:30 when I finally got the last child off to bed I started to tear up again one from just plain emotional exhaustion and of course the ever present thinking of my mind. I get into so much trouble when I start thinking. About 2 seconds after the thinking began I received a text from my sister Stacy asking (you guessed it) How I was doing and how was my day? Instead of texting her back I just called and started to sob when she answered. We talked about how much I missed Gabe and eventually changed the subject and I was then distracted enough to write in my journal read my book say my prayers and cuddle up in Gabe’s blanket for a night of rest, planning on today being a wonderfully productive and happy day.

Today I woke up groggy and totally depressed. Got the regular morning things done with the kiddos and then retreated to my bed where I started catching up on missed TV shows and not really paying any attention to them, wondering what was wrong with me (Today was supposed to be a good day). Isaac cuddled with me for a while until he had to go to school too. As soon as his bus pulled away the drowning noise of silence pierced my being. I turned on some load music (not very soothing) and got into the shower. As soon as the hot water hit me the tears started flowing. I really broke down and cried and really didn’t know what triggered it besides the quiet and nothing I really needed to get done today. I finished my shower and notices Gary’s truck in the driveway and after turning the music down heard the sound of him scrapping paint off my trim on the side of the house. I got dressed and called my ever so patient and understanding sweetheart to asked me what made me cry. All I could say is that I miss him so much and feel like it is so unfair. He listened and consoled reminded me that he’d be home tomorrow then distracted me by telling me about the game Katie and he had played together online the night before. Apparently Katie is a smart-alec and likes to try to kill him in the game even though that is not possible. That helped a little but the tears were still flowing when Gary came into tell me he was done scrapping the house for today. He gave me one of those great Dad hugs and waited for David and I to say our goodbyes. Then being the wonderful man he is told me it’d be ok and to come have some lunch with mom and him. He never asks how I’m doing, he just knows and acts accordingly. I went down and had a nice tear filled hug from my second mom and had a simple Taco Bell lunch with them. I spent most of my afternoon discussing Christmas gift ideas for the kids with Colleen until it was time to get Isaac off the bus. Once the kids started coming home I really don’t need any extra distractions, in fact by the time 8:00 came along I couldn’t wait to get them into bed so I could have some quiet (go figure, during the day it’s more than I can handle and at night it’s all I want). I still have no idea why today was so hard but it just was. Our house is such a huge reminder of where Gabe is NOT at and should be that sometimes when things are quiet I imagine him toddling around the corner or I think I hear a baby noise from he and Isaac’s room and that’s when I remember he’s not there and then I fall apart. Really no one can fix it and no one can make it go away although distractions are very helpful for the hurt at times. I don’t feel bad when people ask “how are you doing?” but it does get tiring thinking of the right answer. I also hear a lot of “you’re so strong”, but I want you to know that I’m only human and I fall apart just like everyone else and I ignore my house for a day and walk on dirty floors and eat in a kitchen full of dirty dishes and watch TV in a room where the folded laundry has yet to be put away, my bathrooms always need to be cleaned and I just spend the day watching show, eating Taco Bell, crying my eyes out and reading anything uplifting I can find. I’m just Amy making it day by day.

If you stuck it out and made it to here I hope this was brutally honest enough for you to know really how I am doing. I actually feel so much better when I write it out. I’m going to go to bed now and again hope tomorrow is a better day.Random 004 (Medium) 
This is the last picture we have of Gabe before the hospital and I just love it. He was playing in the dirt in his diaper, he’s just so dang adorable. David took a picture then brought him inside to get dressed so he wouldn’t get sunburned. And I yelled at the girls for letting him go outside with no clothes or sunscreen on in July.

p.s. Thanks for putting up with me…Also I want you all to know that I KNOW that I am very very loved and blessed by my Heavenly Father and no matter how difficult a day I have that NEVER changes.


  1. I think it takes more strength to admit our weakness and be honest about our true feelings, not just the ones that people will want to hear.

    Thanks for sharing that.

  2. Amy your human and it's ok to feel like this. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I Love you! If you need any distractions im right up the road.

  3. Your posts always are so sweet and tender. The Lord has truly refined you and your family through this experience. Please let me know if there is anything you need. By the way, I LOVE having Isaac in my Sunbeam class. :)

  4. Sending you a hug. If I lived closer I'd just come give you one.
    I'm not sure what else to say, but your post touched me. I want to tell you how thankful I am that you are able to share that with us. Some days I am just the same as you. My loss was at 24 weeks of pregnancy so not quite the same, but still a loss.

    I am thankful for an understanding Heavenly Father. I know that without him we would be unable to make it day to day. It's ok to have days where you just cry and don't get anything done.

    Thank you for your strength.

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  6. I can honestly say that I am always thinking of you and your baby everyday. I kiss koen and think of how I would miss him terribly if he were not here. The last baby in family has something different about them, they are so special. Gabie was special and so is my Koen. I do think of you. You make me a better mom, to all of my babies.
    Love you Amy, I loved this post.

  7. It makes me love you more to hear your heartfelt thoughts and feelings. Thank you for sharing.

  8. You don't know me but I came across your comment on Patrick and Ashley's Blog (who don't know me either), but I want you to know that your sweet family is in my prayers. My little boy is Gabe's exact age and it brings me to tears to read these blogs of peoples' lives that have such heartache. Hang in there and know that there are others out there that are thinking of you and praying for your sweet family. Thanks for sharing your story!

  9. Thank you for your refreshing honesty! Although I don't know you very well, I thought of you and your sweet little Gabe when I saw Katie at the Fun Run the other day and pray that Heavenly Father will bless you on those hard days when the pain must feel unbearable.