I’ve been struggling off and on this week and really with no answers of why or how to fix it. I’ve wanted to blog about it but didn’t really have the words to express what I was feeling. I hope today I’m guided by the spirit to share what I’ve been feeling.
Gabe has been so close to me since conference last weekend. I’ve gone through days of anger, denial and just plain misery missing him. I’ve started sleeping with a blanket I made for him to feel him closer while I sleep. I’m not sure how much it has really helped but I have slept better. No one day has been as hard as the days directly following the funeral but all have been tender days. Usually through those day’s I ask my Heavenly Father to help me know what to do to find peace but now that I think about it I really didn’t ask for help like I should’ve. I prayed for others I know are going through difficult times. I know so many individuals and family’s in need of his direct blessings my struggles didn’t come to mind in my prayers. But even though I didn’t ask for his help he has sent me my very own earthly angels to help me when I didn’t even know I needed it.
Today I slept in because the kids had no school and at 9:30 David called to say that he was on his way home. Which is hours earlier than normal, also on this upcoming Monday he is off for Columbus Day (Benefits for working on a Government Army Post). I look at this as a blessing because I need him so much.
I got up and got the mail and found three packages addressed to me. One I’d been expecting a book that I got from the auctions at A Good Grief.
I haven’t read it yet but I’m really looking forward to it. If you’re interested in it I’ve added a link to Amazon where it is for sale, just click on the book photo.
The second thing I opened was a song that was written for me by my good friend Sherry Summers. Sherry & Kathleen Holyoak wrote the lyrics and the music was written by Kathleen Holyoak. I’d like to post the Lyrics but am waiting for permission since it is copyrighted. This song truly expresses so many of my feelings and so beautifully my gratitude and love for my Savior. This was written by earthly angels for me.
The third thing I opened was a letter from Ashley Sullenger. Many of you know that Ashley lost her little girl Preslee the same week we lost Gabe. Her blog posts have brought me so much comfort. We’ve became friends and are both glad to not be alone in this difficult trial. Ashley felt inspired to send me the talk that her Grandfather gave at Preslee’s funeral. I read it and it answered questions I didn’t even realize I had. Just to touch on a few lines that really hit me.
Quoting Phillip C. Wightman
“I’ve been reading a lot of things and reviewing a lot of things and have felt inclined to look to Brother Brigham Young, who seemed to be very sensitive to the Spirit World, for some truths that I think could help and bless us all today. To start let me just share this:
“Shall we rejoice that we have the opportunity of paying the last respects due to this lifeless clay, which a few days ago was alive and active, full of spirit? Yes, we will rejoice. It is a matter of rejoicing more than the day of his birth.”
Now you think of that brothers and sisters.
“It is true it is grievous to part with our friends. We are creatures of passion, of sympathy, of love, and it is painful for us to part with our friends. We would keep them in the mortal house, though they should suffer pain.”
What could have been happening to take a week to transpire to help us with those inclinations?
“Are we not selfish in this? Should we not rather rejoice at the departure of those whose lives have been devoted to doing good?”
If this little girl is as clean and pure as I sense that she was, she is on to do the things that the Lord would have her do. And I think there was evidence in the last week that her concerns are with doing God’s work and spreading the message, that she knows is true, to others. Let me just read a couple of verses that I think most here would be familiar with from Alma and them make some comments relative to it.
“Now concerning the state of the soul between death and resurrection…”
And notice he’s talking about ‘state of’ and not ‘place of.’ Brigham Young taught very clearly": Is she going to leave this Earth? She is not.
In fact let me read quickly: “Is the spirit world here? It is not beyond the sun, but is on this earth that was organized for the people that have lived and that do and will live upon it.”
Brothers and Sisters I wonder if we understand that. As I’ve read part of this little blog thing that has been going on and hearing comments from people such as: “Preslee is back in the arms of God” or “Preslee is here, there or somewhere.” Preslee has not gone anywhere. There is a veil that may separate us, but she is here. No other people can have this earth. We can have no other kingdom until we are prepared to inhabit this one eternally. The whole object of the plan was to create us a place where we can spend eternity. We have come here in mortality, we will stay here in the Spirit world, and if we are successful and prove to be righteous, we will in habit this Earth forever. We hear talk to returning to God. Listen to Alma,
“It has been made known unto me by an angel, that the spirits of all men, as soon as they are departed from this mortal body, yea, the spirits of all men, whether they be good or evil, are taken home to that God who gave them life.”
Now as a Latter-Day Saint I knew this but hadn’t thought about it in such a profound way. I now know without a doubt that when I feel my Gabe’s presence he is truly here watching over me and giving me the comfort I need to go on without only his little body here, because his spirit is always with me. I really could go on to quote Brother Wightman’s entire talk, it really has touched me heart so much. But that would take a lot of time for all of you to read and is probably not necessary. I just want you all to know that today Earthly Angels were sent to me to strengthen my testimony and to know that I’m not alone and also to know that all I feel everyday is the right feeling for me to feel through my grief.
I’d like to thank Sherry Summers for being inspired to put feelings I was having to beautiful music that I hope touches others as it has me. I want to thank Ashley Sullenger for being in tuned to the spirit enough to know what I needed this week. I’d also like to thank Molly Jackson for hosting her website and sharing so many wonderful stories with those of us who need it and for giving me the opportunity to have the headstone I want to mark Gabriel’s Earthly resting place. Also thank you to all of you who continue to remember my family in your prayers. So when I forget to ask for help someone is still asking for me.
I Love You!