A New Season… Autumn

Fall, Indian Summer, Season, Equinox, End, Conclusion, Close, Culmination, Decline……

I looked up some synonyms to Autumn, just curious what they might be. I’m not really ready for this new season. The change of everything is really hitting me this year. Life has changed so much for us this summer that I feel like I would like it to just stand still for a little while. But life does go on and the world changes every day. I’m just not ready for the autumn season to come. I struggle with my depression in the Autumn time and in the Spring time and I really hope this year is different. My goal is to keep reading anything uplifting and try to keep busy. Although sometimes when I’m keeping busy and then step back to look at myself and my family the normalcy of everything is heartbreaking. I question myself how can everything be so normal without my baby here. I’m coping really well I think and most days I do great but there comes a day here and there when I just wonder how in the world I made it almost 2 months past his death and I’m still functioning. I really do credit it all to my Heavenly Father and the great blessings he has sent me. I also credit it to all the many prayers that have be said on my behalf and in turn answered. But it still doesn’t help the heartache of this hole in our family. I’m sorry if your reading this and I come across as  babbling or just feeling sorry for myself, I guess it’s just one of those thinking days for me and I wanted to get it written somewhere.

We went to Back To School Night last night at the Elementary and it was strange sitting in the gym with no stroller. We’re making new habit’s everywhere we go. Every time we go somewhere we haven't been since Gabe died we think about the last time we were in that place and how it is different. Sometimes we still go to get him out of his car seat then realize as we open the door and see Jenna Boo sitting there that he’s not there. I know eventually these little things will cease to cause pain because we’ll make new habits and life will continue to change, but sometimes I can’t help but hope it doesn’t change at all even though I know everyday it is changing. I know I’ll never forget him but as things change and progress I always worry I will forget the little things. Like getting after him for helping unload the dirty dishes from the dishwasher, and seeing him slide down the stairs backwards, his adorable little smile and his little fingers wrapped around mine pulling me to what he currently wants, taking a stroller almost everywhere and playing with him in the grocery cart as I shop, hearing him kick his music on in the middle of the night and watching him play with/destroy Isaacs Batman and Train games, watching him sleep so peacefully.

I Miss my Gabie Baby today!