Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A New Season… Autumn

Fall, Indian Summer, Season, Equinox, End, Conclusion, Close, Culmination, Decline……

I looked up some synonyms to Autumn, just curious what they might be. I’m not really ready for this new season. The change of everything is really hitting me this year. Life has changed so much for us this summer that I feel like I would like it to just stand still for a little while. But life does go on and the world changes every day. I’m just not ready for the autumn season to come. I struggle with my depression in the Autumn time and in the Spring time and I really hope this year is different. My goal is to keep reading anything uplifting and try to keep busy. Although sometimes when I’m keeping busy and then step back to look at myself and my family the normalcy of everything is heartbreaking. I question myself how can everything be so normal without my baby here. I’m coping really well I think and most days I do great but there comes a day here and there when I just wonder how in the world I made it almost 2 months past his death and I’m still functioning. I really do credit it all to my Heavenly Father and the great blessings he has sent me. I also credit it to all the many prayers that have be said on my behalf and in turn answered. But it still doesn’t help the heartache of this hole in our family. I’m sorry if your reading this and I come across as  babbling or just feeling sorry for myself, I guess it’s just one of those thinking days for me and I wanted to get it written somewhere.

We went to Back To School Night last night at the Elementary and it was strange sitting in the gym with no stroller. We’re making new habit’s everywhere we go. Every time we go somewhere we haven't been since Gabe died we think about the last time we were in that place and how it is different. Sometimes we still go to get him out of his car seat then realize as we open the door and see Jenna Boo sitting there that he’s not there. I know eventually these little things will cease to cause pain because we’ll make new habits and life will continue to change, but sometimes I can’t help but hope it doesn’t change at all even though I know everyday it is changing. I know I’ll never forget him but as things change and progress I always worry I will forget the little things. Like getting after him for helping unload the dirty dishes from the dishwasher, and seeing him slide down the stairs backwards, his adorable little smile and his little fingers wrapped around mine pulling me to what he currently wants, taking a stroller almost everywhere and playing with him in the grocery cart as I shop, hearing him kick his music on in the middle of the night and watching him play with/destroy Isaacs Batman and Train games, watching him sleep so peacefully.

I Miss my Gabie Baby today!


  1. You guys are always in our prayers. Love all of you!

  2. Oh Amy, that was a beautiful post. I remember my mom telling me that after her daddy died she would still go running when it was the time he would usually get home from work to go see him and then remember that he was gone. That was when it was really hard for her. I wish you didn't have to miss him. Love you!!

  3. Amy, this post has brought tears to my eyes. I think of you often and wonder how you cope. I can't even imagine how heart-wrenching it must be. Know that people do think and pray for you guys.

    Taunya Brown Boes

  4. Your post is beautiful - honest, heart breaking and beautiful. A reminder to all of us to cherish those little moments. My heart hurts for you today.

  5. Oh what a heartache to have. It's nice to hear that you coping the best way you know how. I love to hear about the things you remember about him, and its good to have those things written down to look back and to always remember. Thinking about you.

  6. Amy my heartaches for you. I have never lost a child but I can only imagine the pain your going through. Im glad that you got your feelings out. Never apologize for expressing how you feel. Your posts inspire me everytime I read them. My parents lost a baby before I was born. It was really difficult for them. But like you they have faith that they will see there baby agian. If you need help with anything im here for you. I struggle with depresstion this time of year too. I go tanning for 10 min once a week. It really helps. If you ever want to get away call me. We love you!!!!!!

  7. Thinking of you. You are a great mother. I'm sure he's missing you too. Love Joan

  8. Hi Amy, I'm thinking of you after I read this. It breaks my heart and I cryed after reading this. You are a very stong women, and i look up to you. I'll keep praying for you all to have strength.Love you. If you need anything, even just to chat I'm here.
    PS. I'm moving as mike got relocated for his new job. But I do want to stay in touch:)
    Love your old Roomie
    Marie. Jameson